Christmas Crackers

I spent my first Christmas on my own last year. I am sure that many of you have done this, and I am sure that many of you were not bothered. I am not a religious man, but I am an ardent defender of all things Christmas. Nothing pisses me off more than the familiar jingle of overly-political and under-read party-poopers so enthusiastically announcing that they 'don't do christmas' because it is 'commercial'. I for one believe that too little time is set aside for us to truly celebrate anything with our friends and family, and have recently decided that far from shunning christmas we should in fact be campaigning with some gusto for a summer equivalent- 'Steakmas', 'Beachmas' and '2 Grams of Coke and and Three Hours of Wiimas' are early forerunners on my brainstorming chart.

Seriously though, I worked with this one guy who hated christmas so much that I am sure he obtained at least as much fun from the whole event as the MD of Clinton Cards and he made a point of 'not doing christmas' so much that he was to be heard objecting to it more loudly and more frequently as the advent proceeded, to a point where I am sure that he was so excited on Christmas Eve that he could not sleep and stayed up all night not opening the last square on his advent calender and not placing his stocking at the end of his bed and not watching National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation. Mind you, this was a guy who was easily the most contrary individual i've ever met and only ate meat. Yes- he only eats meat. He won't eat a fucking burger because it has bread in it! I mean I like meat, I love meat, but this guys parents failure to shove that spoonful of liquidised cabbage down his rebellious little throat twenty-five years ago started a chain-reaction leading to the development of a wholly morose and pallid (literally and figuratively) individual who I quickly learned to love hating. This is why I went on Christmas overdrive at work, the guy left on December 29th and deep down in my heart I like to think that I played some crucial part in this decision.

So it was the combination of missing my friends and family and all the Christmas fun we normally share combined with this man and his one man crusade to sound as above everyone else as he possibly could without ever thinking anything through or having a point that led me to transform myself into Captain Christmas. "Christmas" he waffled, "Is a Christian festival, and Christianity is illogical and a tool of state sponsored oppression". "Yeah, but sausages with bacon wrapped around them kick ass" I retorted. Little wonder that a man who had no experience of the roast potato should remain unconvinced, "it's just society telling you when to celebrate". "What about christmas crackers?" I asked, "christmas what?" he said. Now, i'm not a worldly man. I suppose I had never considered that other countries don't have crackers, but it was like all at once it all made sense. You see in Korea they have Christmas but it is not nearly as good and it is not conducted with nearly as much enthusiasm as it is back home. I had expected some support in raising the spirits of the teacher's room from this guy as he is an American but then it turns out that they don't have christmas crackers! I knew there was only one person who could resolve this issue for me, my mumsie.

I told my mum the bare, unadulterated truth. Working on Christmas Day I can handle. Not eating half my body weight in Roses/Quality street whilst watching war films with my Dad, this can wait till I get back I suppose. I mean I can even handle not getting excited about the fact that Return of the Jedi is on real TV instead of the extended DVD box set sitting beneath the TV, but if I don't get to wear the paper hat and read the shitty joke well i'm sorry but then Christmas is officially fucking cancelled! Five days later, and in ample time for Christmas my mother's parcel arrived, and with it the institution of Christmas Crackers had blessed the lands of the Korean peninsular for the first time.

It turns out that crackers couldn't be more British. I mean they were invented by a guy called Tom Smith, in London, and have the curious power whereby no matter how cool and/or expensive your gifts are, you still feel the need to have an argument with your sister about who gets the miniatured pack of playing cards. While all the other western teacher's issued wordsearches and distributed candy (sweets) to bemused students I had a lesson based entirely around the history and special function of the glorious cracker including a role-play exercise where students would have to reenact the classic 1989 Robert v Caroline 'Thrilla at Christmas Dinna' bout where my sister got the snakes & ladders set I only got the nail clippers (it was in the pipeline).

Anyway, after this we had a 'staff party', which involves the owner of the school issuing an hour long lecture on our responsibilities whilst refusing to let us eat an entirely non festive cake after which I made everyone pull a cracker and have their photo taken with the hat on. Here's some of the better photos: